Immediately after I came home from Costa Rica I headed to Tahoe for 3 days; I basically hopped from one blissful holiday vacation right into the next. When Thursday morning rolled around and it was time to head back to the valley, I’ll say, I started feeling less than blissful real quick. Dread and confusion with hints of fear and uncertainty began to infiltrate my brains domain.
I’m thankful to have caught the travel bug in my life because to be hungry to explore is inexplicably rewarding, but that doesn’t necessarily mean the bug doesn’t bite back every now and again.
Over the course of the last 2 years I have been more places in the world than ever before in my life. I guess I feel like I am still trying to find a place to call home in this world. So many places I have spent time in recently I can see myself settling, but no one place screams louder over the other. The second I start to sway one direction more heavily I expose myself to a new place, and then I feel back at the starting line with more lovely options and less knowing.
As I started this drive away from Tahoe..
Away from boating adventures at your finger tips..
Away from the purest heavenly tap water..
Away from the highest quality air my lungs have known..
Away from yet another place in the world I may just want to live; this self induced pressure to have a plan and know all the answers started to overwhelm me.
I spent the first half of Friday car, job, and apartment hunting. Seemingly getting no closer to any sort of conclusions as the hours ticked on.
Friday evening at 6pm I slowed my scroll on instagram to check out this awesome photo Goldroom posted…
Now I have never entered to win tickets before, but that seemed too simple to not give it a go. I took a moment to pair one of my yoga videos with my favorite song and sent it off with a message that said, “You guys are way too magical- thanks for spreading those good vibes.”
Sort of funny I didn’t realize until later that I very clearly said, “guys” implying that Goldroom was a group of people; which I now know it is not. Goldroom is one DJ, Josh Legg. It blows me away that one human alone could be responsible for creating so much musical goodness. The sheer talent and creativity involved!! *jaw drops*
Anyway, I sent the video off and didn’t give it another thought. I didn’t even look at my phone again until 10:45 pm, and by then I noticed I had three messages. In short I was going to get the 2 passes but because I lagged on responding they went to someone else. I was bummed for about 30 seconds and then I was messaged right back that he could squeeze one more on the sold out boat tour. Lucky me. While this excited me and I certainly wanted to go, I also felt a TON of resistance from within.
Saturday morning I stayed in bed past 8am (later than usual for me). As if staying in bed would slow down the day and I could prolong making the choice of whether to go or not. On one hand: I won, so cool, yes of course I want to be on a boat in the bay dancing at sunset. That is a lot of my favorite stuff smashed together. On the other hand: I don’t have answers to big questions I have been asking myself lately and I felt like I shouldn’t let myself play when I have so much clustering my brain that I need to sort out.
As adults we have to be our own disciplinary figures and I wasn’t certain if in this instance whether I would be screwing off by heading to the city or if I should just trust that I was gifted a spot on that boat for a reason and it was okay to go enjoy.
Ultimately, certain or not we have to choose one way or the other, that’s life.
I can’t say I didn’t have one or two mid morning & early afternoon meltdowns, but lucky for me I have a Grandpa that is willing to patiently listen to me sob about all my self created problems and validate my emotions. What a guy.
He told me Friday night he already knew I was going; I didn’t decide officially for myself until about 11am Saturday morning. For being such a free spirit I really do have a strict side of me that can be a tough cookie to crack.
The second I pulled out of the drive way I had to laugh at all the anxiety I let dominate my morning. So human.
What an experience this whole evening was. I realized as I was driving over the Bay Bridge that this was the first time I had ever purposefully used the Bay Bridge to enter the city. The other three times in life it happened by mistakingly taking the 80 west vs staying on 580 west. So it was refreshing to be on the right path and enjoy the view and not be bothered by the gnarly traffic as I dropped into the city.
Pretty quickly after boarding the boat a beautiful babe named Lauren befriended me. I am almost uncertain if she was real because I only briefly told her about myself and how I got to the boat in the first place and her immediate receptive, and supportive nature made it seem like she knew everything about me and my journey. As if she was a little angel sent there to confirm I in fact made the right choice.
As the night ebbed on I became entranced front and center watching Josh 100% in his element making audio magic occur. Now I have seen a number of people DJs from up close and you can tell pretty quick in their body articulation just how passionately connected they are to what they are orchestrating; let me tell you this guy embodies every harmony. For me it is one of the most inspiring things in the world watching a human full on express him/herself. He simply fucking killed it. His energy and spirit were next level infectious.
Post boat party naturally I still don’t know what form my life will take on as I transition from summer to fall, but I certainly know now more than ever I want to be around more people who express themselves creatively and authentically.
If I were to really dream I would love to collaborate with someone like Josh Legg and do a DJ’ed yoga boat event of some sort. When peoples passions collide cool shit happens.
Anyyyywho- Sending a big thank you and lots of gratitude to Goldroom for getting me a spot on that boat and reminding me to keep dreaming.