This one goes to every man I have shared time, space, and touch with.
But more specifically to the guys that…
You know what? I got the first two lines down and then drew a blank.
Complete. Total. Blank.
When this piece of writing was born in my brain about 37 minutes ago it was coming out in list form. As I was driving back from the farmers market these thoughts whizzed through my head. All the interactions with the various humans that ultimately led to the same destination; the collective revolving door of HE.
So where I was going to go initially with this writing: “To the guy that… Fooled me into thinking he wanted something more; Didn’t accurately communicate his agenda; Became uninterested in seeing me after sex; Already has a girlfriend; Ditched me at my friends funeral because I wasn’t paying attention to him; Ghosted me in lieu of a break up from the other side of the world.”
So this is just a few both broad and specific things that I have experienced, and I am sure none of them are fully unique to me.
As humans we are unable to be true to ourselves much of the time, and this is where a lot of our struggles source from. I think I drew blank for so long after the first two lines of this piece because once it came down to putting the words on to paper I realized how unproductive it would be of me to sit here making a detailed list of all the things other people have done to me. That would suggest that I think I am a powerless victim in my own life and to be frank that sounds like a real shitty way to interpret my somewhat lousy dating track record.
While some of the people I have shared my time more intimately with haven’t always been real with me about their intentions from the get go, at the end of the day I need to take responsibility for my part in it all and how I will move forward; I am just as guilty as the rest of them for not always having solid intentions.
Initially, in my brain when these memories came to mind earlier I felt deflated and annoyed, like I have been fooled and wronged, time and time again. After all, there is all this evidence that supports that to be true, right? Wrong. When I step back and look at all these moments strung together with all these different people, it isn’t he who fooled me, it is me who fooled me. Basically what each of these moments boils down to is, my inability to stand firm on my boundaries/expectations. I haven’t been clear enough with myself about where I stand. I have written how i’ld like things to be different and vowed to do this/that next time. However, so often once someone comes around and starts pushing their agenda on me, my lines start to get blurry and fantasy takes over. It isn’t long before I start making choices that don’t honor what I really seek. The illusion of what my mind thinks something could be takes over.
At the end of the day I am a human fucking being, so of course I want to be touched, loved, adored, and desired.
Fact: Men are quick to chase potential sexual thrill even if it means acting more emotionally available than they actually are for a little while. Selfish? Yup. But that is life people!
Luckily at this point in my life I am aware enough to step outside the box to see my own error in every malignant exchange. All I can really do is forgive myself and move forward. I would like to thank the people who I have interacted with along the way for the lessons they have provided.
Through it all a few things I now know:
I need a partner who is a morning person. There is nothing more of a turn off to me than waking up next to a grouchy person.
I do not want to be in a polyamorous relationship. I am seeking a human who also seeks to find someone they genuinely desire to be intimately loyal to.
I am really turned on by someone who doesn’t prioritize partying every chance they get.
I appreciate a person who is both outdoor savvy and street smart.
In life and relationships a strong sense of self and a good sense of humor are a must.
Sharing deep guttural laughter is a key component to true happiness.
Discussing the future should be an exciting conversation.
Get more specific Karissa, we only receive what we are courageous enough to ask for! Who do I want to let in my life, and what is really important to me?
It is beyond important to me that he is eager to meet my tribe.
He needs to be consistent in how he responds to the world.
He enjoys reading and makes time in his life for it.
He doesn’t smoke cigarettes and is nearly as turned off by cigarettes as I am.
He inspires and stretches me, just by being himself.
He enjoys dancing and appreciates music.
He lives his life courageously.
He is authentic, genuine, interested in health.
Qualities that I value:
easy going, curiosity, passion, drive, respect, active, open minded, grounded, compassion, empathy.
The most enlightening realization came to me as I flew home from Utah last night; the caliber of guy that I’ll entertain in my space has gone up drastically. Dating is pretty exhausting but each person provides us with a new opportunity for growth and self discovery.
At some point the person who truly sees me and doesn’t mind how transparent I am and accepts how easily I cry when I feel emotionally vulnerable will cross my path. It isn’t my end goal to find this person. Maybe it doesn’t happen in this lifetime, but eventually, in some lifetime at some point that energy will find its way to me and that is pretty cool.