I have been writing a lot the past few weeks, but it has been all over the map. A desire to assemble a book to convey my life experience has started taking shape; a compilation of my writing, poetry, photography, and blogs. So there is that. Additionally I wanted to do a piece on how Mindful May went, but somehow I kept springing off into all these different unmanageable tangents. I wanted to share about the event I just put on Bloom in June and then yesterday occurred and I have things to say about it: So my brain is firing in several different literary directions and I find myself struggling to sift through all the information I want to share.
Here are a few things:
On May 24th at 8am mid-mediation out from the mental stillness a question rippled through my mind…
“What are things that you have let have power over your life experience?”
My mind clearly forgot I was meditating and promptly chimed in, “Boys & Money”, without skipping a beat. Woah buddy, that got deep quick. From the deepest dustiest compartments of my brain all these memories that confirmed this to be true started surfacing, dating as far back as 4 & 5 years old. #practicallybornboycrazy
We are so conditioned to think certain ways and value certain things. I feel like 75% of being an adult is figuring out which of what you learned as a kid that is actually complete shit, unlearning it, and then reforming healthy concepts.
After this meditation I felt like in order to reclaim my power I really had to start proactively taking hold of my mind because it isn’t the male populations fault I let them affect my emotions and take up way too much room in my head, it is mine. And it isn’t moneys fault I stress about how much I do or don’t have, it is mine. So If these things are mine then I am assuming it is possible for them to also NOT be mine. *sighs of relief*
So this brings me to yesterday:
I dated myself so hard and so good yesterday! If your unfamiliar with my lingo, what I mean is… I got up early, meditated, cooked myself breakfast, drove to Yosemite, hiked vertically 4 miles, set up shop at the top of the mountain on a cliff edge soaked in the beauty.
4 miles back down and then I taught a little pop up yoga class in Camp 4. From there I said goodbye to all the dirty shirtless man hunks without asking for contact information and drove to my favorite restaurant that overlooks the whole valley. Treated myself to dinner and a beer as the sunset, then made my way back home.
I took myself out for a whole day date adventure, and I didn’t even try to fuck myself at the end of the night. I just drifted off to sleep in a satisfied daze of self love. Now that’s a proper date. Sure, I was alone, but not for one second was I lonely. I didn’t wish anyone was with me. I didn’t stress about menu prices. I was the only table of one in a full restaurant and I was happy as can be. Blissfully in the moment, not on my phone.
It has come to my attention there is this ever growing vortex of young women in this world that don’t see their own worth or value and they wrap every last piece of themselves around the guy in their life and quiet frankly they make it a huge fucking drama. They inadvertently lose most of their friends by doing so, and when the relationship doesn’t work out it is this paramount tragedy. They finally wake up to the fact that they sacrificed every good friendship they had and their relationship with themselves. All for a partner whom is no longer their partner and the idea of being alone and starting fresh to them doesn’t seem magical and limitless(which it is), it seems dark and scary(which its not).
I got to thinking on my drive home last night about these young women I know and adore, that put more value in their relationships than they do themselves. Now I am no innocent bystander here; I was that girl that hung onto a toxic relationship and lost friends, and just in paragraphs prior I admitted to having spent way too many days in this lifetime stressing about dating and finding the one and crying over the ones that didn’t work. I would say this is good news for all the girls who currently feel sucked down the tubes of worthlessness because if there was light at the end of the tunnel for me, there is for you too.
And since I can’t shake sense into these beautiful young slightly lost women, like no one could for me when I was in that place many times before, I realize all I can do is look at myself and try and set a good example. See where I can become more self-reliant emotionally and more present with my moment, less in my head.
I decided on my drive home last night that until further notice I am exclusive with myself. Yup, you heard me. I am off the market– I am my own girlfriend. That date day was too darn incredible to not make a commitment and lock this down. haha
I feel like when you start letting someone do all these things for you that you wouldn’t or haven’t even done for yourself, it creates space for a huge void when they are gone and you feel like you have nothing. Well my hope is to create a solid foundation in my life by dating myself; do it all for myself, with myself, by myself because I am worth it.
The other day my sister, Ashly, was telling me about my nephew, Wyatt, (just over a year and half) being a little monster baby starting to climb and be mischievous these days and she was like…
I just had it, I told him… “I’ll be over here crafting. You do you son, you do you.”
Hah I loved that, and I am gonna take it.
I’ll be over here, doing me. #exclusivewithmyself
Until next time, Cheers. Thanks for tuning in. XOXO