This post is rated: NC-17: Drug related content.
Please consider this rating before continuing. I am writing my authentic organic truth and have nothing to hide about my experience. On that note- I would like to consider my fellow reader because maybe there are things you would rather not know about my journey. And that is a-okay!! Just do yourself a favor now and go back to scrolling and click on the next thing that looks interesting.
A good friend of mine from Sonoma County suggested while I was in Koh Phangan I check out her ex-boyfriends chocolate business he had recently opened. She sent me his Instagram and after scrolling through it I messaged her, “I never looked at an Instagram before and thought it was intense.” It was truly was intense and the more I scrolled the more intense of a human I could tell this ex of hers was. Never the less, I had heard so many stories of their wild adventures together and I made mental note to check out the Chocolate Temple, it seemed like she was pretty curious to here back about it.
My first night back on Koh Phangan I was out to dinner and joined a huge group of people. Two of the guys were raving, “Have you been to the Chocolate Temple?!? It is so magical and amazing. The owner is strange, not too friendly, but the place is so magical and the chocolate is to die for.” I thought- That must be my friends ex-partners establishment. For the next several days every time I rode by it, it was closed but appeared open. Sometimes you could see a person or two weaving in and around the statues. There were always incense burning; the whole facility was in a constant state of mysterious haze. You could smell it from ages away, i’ll say the scent was divine.
Just two days before my teacher training, where I would be secluded on the south side of the island I swung by again and the store front portion where the chocolate is sold was open for business! I walked up and greeted the beautiful ferry like woman on the other side of the counter. I mentioned my friend Alaura and immediately she was warm and lovely, and delightfully yelped, “Your Alauras friend! We have been waiting for you, come around back!!”
Her name was Zarrie and she was the current partner of Laric, my friends ex. I sat with her behind the chocolate counter and we chatted about our journeys. I really enjoyed her. A bit later Laric made his way into the room; his initial presence was gentle, warm, and welcoming. He passed me a cup of the most magnificent hot chocolate I had ever tasted, then he gave me a tour and WOW what a magical haven they had co-created.
I’ll do my best efforts to describe it accordingly, as I respected the no photo inside policy. It was an indoor outdoor sanctuary of sorts; the beams and structures that supported the building were dark and had a very creative cut and finish, there were Ganesh statues floor to ceiling, there was a constant melody of soothing flutes humming in the background, inviting cushions in all the right places for relaxing. My favorite feature would have to be the velvet yoga swing hanging in the center of the space, duh. There were a few trippy tapestry pieces that you could easily find on the festival circuit in the states, and an enclosed back room that they used for a tattoo studio.
They stayed in a home on the property just behind and they rented out another home 5 minutes or so away that their friends that worked for them would stay in.
The next evening I stopped back by and even though the temple itself was closed and they weren’t opening for business- the whole being connected to Alaura thing gave me special privileges.
Sometimes it really does boil down to who you know in this world.
Anyway- I found myself twisting and twirling on the yoga swing, happily inverted and a whole lot of delicious frankincense blowing in my direction. Flutes tinkering on. Woah, bliss much?!
Now before I get on to what occurred next I feel like I should give a little more background when it comes to my personal drug use/experimentation prior to this moment in my life. I enjoy marijuana pretty frequently. I have dabbled with hallucinogens a handful of times and they have always been REALLY intense out of this world experiences. I think there is a part of me that doesn’t like losing site of reality, so I haven’t ever much enjoyed them fully in a recreational sense. Even though I don’t seek them out for myself, I do believe they have medicinal healing powers in the right setting, with the right intention. I have never done cocaine, meth, crack, heroin, opiates, ketamine- no desire. However, I have done my fair share of ecstasy. I have always been pretty private about my drug consumption. I don’t dabble often because I know the risks, but I don’t think there is anything wrong with allowing yourself to fuck with how you normally experience the world once in a while. I have mentally shifted in some incredible ways and had some profound realizations whilst slightly altered. (Moderation is key; I think when you over take, and don’t go into it with intention then you miss the whole point)
Never the less- I am an open minded person, and while hallucinogens have always been really intense experiences for me, I knew that was because each time I had tried them there was something off environmentally before I even ingested whatever it was to begin with. (either the company wasn’t ideal, physical location or my own head space was off)
So when I found myself upside down in this space with purple lighting, not a worry in the world, a night sky full of stars in site, swaying on a velvet yoga swing, with tranquil music, and incense thick in the air…. and Laric, a guy that my dear dear friend vouches for walks up and offers me dimethyltryptamine- DMT. I felt no resistance.
7 or so months prior at LIB, Lightning in a Bottle festival, I was around friends who were bumping ketamine all day long and doing DMT in the tent every night. At the time the setting felt wrong; even though I was offered and it was accessible, there was good music, everyone else already was doing it and I was slightly curious. I didn’t go for it. I honored my resistance and stuck with the trees.
This whole Chocolate Temple set up however seemed a little too whimsical to forgo. We walk to the back cabana and he tells me all the healing powers and medicinal qualities of DMT. “DMT is about unity and the healing of division, conflict, and the sickness brought about by compartmentalization. It is on a higher order of reality than the intellect, but it will weave message-laden images with any mental state or environmental input.” In essence it helps you to see life without the ego.
He told me to take three hits, I took one and a half and said,”Holly Balls,” while coughing and pushed the pipe away. Reclining back onto the bed as my eyes ignited green and white checkered patterns spiraling back into the distance and right in the middle was a giant green Ganesh smiling at me, almost TOO much smile, waving his many many arms all around. WOAHHHHH. From there it is a bit too dreamy to recount all the details, but I’ll tell you what, I was peeking into a whole compartment of my brain that was so visually exquisite it felt a bit sad to me that the human brain can’t access this when it is sober (unless your a monk/have a savage meditation practice). It’s like I was seeing where ART lived. At points during the experience I felt overwhelmed but at the moment I became aware of how overwhelmed I was letting myself become I thought, why? and then I began to focus on my breath. It was as if I no longer had a body, and I was surrounded by light and movement. As I steadily anchored myself to my inhale and exhale I felt strong, I felt universal, I felt connected to everything and everyone. I was this cocoon of bliss and well being and just as quick as I sank into it I remembered back in Thailand the real world I had a beach date with a super frickin’ hot 6 foot 4 Canadian in an hour. That realization immediately pulled me out of that god like state and surged me back into a reality that appeared initially like a cartoon version of the room I started in. Maybe 20 minutes had passed. I was left with feelings of appreciation and I felt more connected to my family members. While saying goodbye that evening Laric gifted me a piece of art he made, a bunch of incense, and a Ganesh.
Roughly 3 months later after exploring Australia, New Zealand, and Indonesia I found myself on beach in Phucket, Thailand. I messaged Laric that I would be traveling that way the following morning and was going to drop all my bags off at theirs so I could have an easier time on the scooter finding a place to stay. His response was, we got a new place and have a room for you if you want it. Amazing!!
Mini bus- Big bus- 3 hour wait in a junk yard- Ferry ride: I arrive back to the island I love so dearly and one of their friends shows me the way to the new place.
For the next several days I slept on a cushion on the floor in this empty very minimalist fixer upper property, that you had to jimmy the breaker box several times each evening to keep the lights on. Laric and Zarrie never came over to this house. It was just me and two of their friends that were helping at the Chocolate Temple.
On a Saturday I went to check out this waterfall and view point. As I walked back to where I left my scooter I scanned the lot and didn’t see my little scoot scoot anywhere. I was like- Breathe self, Breathe. I scanned again… There was only one other pink scooter around, and it had a huge anime head on the seat. I didn’t outwardly flip my shit, but I certainly started having many negative thoughts ravish my mind. Just when I was about to really panic a very chinese man came scooting over, “I sorry I sorry I sorry.” I sighed in relief. Did a little dance. Thank FUCK, but now I was concerned about the fact that other keys could start my bike. That’s not good, that’s not good at all.
Sunday morning I rode over to the scooter place and I wanted to explain to them what happened and maybe get a different bike, but guess what? I don’t speak Thai and I forgot to consider that. All they saw was a scratch on the side panel of the bike and started railing off how much money I owed them to fix it. -_-
So slightly annoyed, $190 usd in the hole, with the same scooter that anyone with a pink bike can steal, I rode back to my abode of the moment went up on the porch, and started doing some yoga.
Sundays were family days, Laric and Zarrie took the day off of the Chocolate Temple to play with their friends. So I wasn’t surprised to see them scooter in for the first time in 6 days of me being there. I stayed up stairs and finished my practice. When I came down everyone was standing in this open middle section/empty storage area walk way.
I greeted Laric cheerfully, “Hello! How are you today.”
He turned his head swiftly and looked at me very sternly and replied, “If your going to stay here, you need to keep your things on this shelf and clean the entire down stairs.”
It felt a little blunt considering there was never a conversation of where they would prefer my things(they were in a small pile by my bed/mat) and certainly the place could use a sweep, but it was like an indoor outdoor room to begin with. I mean really- there were only three things in the whole down stairs: a speaker system, mattress and sound bowls. So other then sweeping(which I would have happily done all week long if they requested and/or made it known it was expected of me) I wasn’t sure what else he expected me to clean.
I promptly started moving my things and he comes in the room clearly annoyed and states that I don’t need to do it right this second, but I personally felt otherwise so I continued about my business.
Then he adds, “Oh and I don’t know why these guys have never told you, but all these windows should always be open to keep the energy moving.”
Mind you, even with keeping the windows closed I was still a sleeping insect buffet at night, so that information didn’t settle well with me. Great, now I would be really sleeping amongst the creatures.
In the few hours that followed everything seemed to lighten up, Zarrie was laying naked by the mote getting up from time to time to hula hoop. Laric and one of his friends were also rocking their birthday suits and the boys played make shift baseball. The house was somewhat set back but still visible to a main road so I stayed clothed. The speakers were blasting some excellent music, while I painted my toe nails on the deck.
And then it happened.
I smelled DMT. You don’t forget that smell.
I became highly aware that Laric was walking around distributing to his friends.
The second I smelled it my brain said no, and I %100 was going to honor that mental response. I had already tried it. My day was already funky. I wasn’t in the right head space.
Laric approaches me and I shake my head and respond with a, no thank you. He cocked his head slightly and replied, “Are you denying me access?”
I was shocked, stunned and blown away by his response. All I could say back was, “yes..?” With that he walked away.
Here is the thing, I am aware that I don’t know a great deal about this drug but from what I understand DMT in itself has nothing to do with allowing another person to access you. It is about accessing yourself on a deeper level, so I couldn’t figure out where he got off saying that to me.
My heart was racing, he was so dark and serious. Not even 20 seconds later he approached me again and with an emotionless face says, “You don’t have to today, but for the rest of your stay on this island I am going to need you to find somewhere else to stay.”
I laughed a little and said, “I’ll go right now.”
Feeling potentially more uncomfortable than I ever have I swiftly moved towards my belongings and assembled my pack with striking speed. I was loaded down on my scooter and out of there quicker than any of his minions could down from their high and back to Earth.
I just referred to his friends and partner as minions there because after having connected with them for 6 days and seemingly bonded as friends I still to this day have never heard from any of them since I left that afternoon; it makes me wonder what Laric said to them when they came back to reality… Someone had to vocally notice that I had been completely removed from the picture? Right? So bizarre.
I scooted around to a few different locations and choose a set of brightly colored bungalows on the beach I had never been to before and happily called it home.
While I was reflecting on the days events that evening in my new bungalow, I felt compelled to do this Instagram post:
Sunday night thought stream: When something doesn’t feel right for your path/soul/moment. Don’t do it.
If your mind isn’t prepared for a journey presented, politely decline.
Either people will hold space for your choices, or they won’t and you’ll be asked to remove yourself.
Either way it is better to honor yourself and say no, and deal with those repercussions; than say yes, and regret not listening to your gut instincts.
Now you know & that’s all for now.
Thanks for tuning in. ❤